ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.