You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.