i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
You Might Also Like
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
So glad we cleared that up
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here