Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Breaking news:
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB