[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass