looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”