“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
some Old Testament wisdom
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING