[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!