A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Become a minion. Get that bread.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company