[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
hackers play passwordle
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.