I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…