Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You Might Also Like
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
#CoronaOutbreak
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”