The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Oh we’ve met.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you