My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*