just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”