Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.