The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting