Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”