Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Ha
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*