“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.