I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.