The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
This is true.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating