My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Camping tip: No.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.