some Old Testament wisdom
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*