*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.