Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
They did not think through this water fountain
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!