If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
You Might Also Like
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.