[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?