favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact