Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”