Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.