[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Holy moly
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest