Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Previously On Persistence 😎
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?