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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction