Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!