I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.