The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.