You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark