Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.