3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
twitter users today:
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Happy Caturday!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”