My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You Might Also Like
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….