Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her