Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Finished stitching this today 😇
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.