Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
You Might Also Like
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”