When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.