Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals