Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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Google Pay be like:
Respect
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“you changed” bro i was 15
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face