Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.