10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
giddy up Office Depot
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.