you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”